the Funnelwhich

Jesus complains that John McCain is talking down to him.

[SITAPUR, INDIA] “He never saw me as a friend,” Jesus says as he begins the long, sordid tale of John McCain. “I was his tagalong, his subordinate, or his resource.” “But never his—his friend.”

As a child, Christ was an outcast. He asked too many questions and claimed he talked to God. His nickname was “Jesus d’Arc.” There was one other boy like him, John McCain. Nobody would play with McCain because he was eighty years old at the time. And he slept a lot. And sometimes his heart medication would fall into other people’s food. He was never a blast to be around. He was voted “Most Old” by his admittedly uncreative second grade.

Christ and McCain became friends, bonded by the glue of exclusion. But, unlike McCain, Christ only became a superstar whereas his friend became a political sensation. Jesus had only begun to learn wiffleball when McCain cancelled their lessons. Then John McCain stopped showing up at the Jane Austen book club. And slowly he faded out of Christ’s life. Christ, embittered by his return to the limits of society, committed suicide by violating the Roman Empire’s most sacred law—the one against jaywalking.

Jesus rebounded from his death, but he was never the same.

The two men eventually reconciliated during a 2007 meeting in which McCain made a pact with the Savior in return for a chance at being president, a long-time dream of his. Little is known of the details, but election staff close to McCain report a lot of crying, a lot hugging, a lot of transubstantiation. Thus, Christ’s recent revelation of a rough relationship in an intimate Larry King’s Still Alive interview surprised everybody who was not a religious scholar.

“He’s condescending. He thinks I’m one person. Hasn’t he ever read the Bible? Just because he’s mortal doesn’t make him better than me,” Christ said shortly before throwing a camel at a wealthy person. Ultimately, he said unaware to an open mike, “I just want to shave his arms.” In a statement released to the press amid the resulting confusion, Christ would only say, “You’d all know what I mean if Peter had included the Book of Hygiene. You’d all know.” And he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

John Wilkes Booth remains at large.