the Funnelwhich

Firefighters to combat fire with giant marshmallows.

[FIROZABAD, INDIA] Here at the Oregon Pine and Oak Reserves off a little meander of the interstate’s I-281, firefighters are coming up with new and innovative ways to combat fire. “Water just doesn’t cut it anymore,” says Fire Marshal Timothy Pyron. “The customers want zazz. They want pop and bling and, above all, kablowie!”

After receiving enough venture capital to synthesize a marshmallow so large it casts a photosynthesis-inhibiting shadow over the three lakes nearest to us, all they had to do was wait for deployment day. “I can’t tell you how many days we spent ignoring the puny housefires and waiting for a great, big, wooden fire! A fire with real zazz and pop and bling and, above all, kablowie! A fire with grrreat big tits.”

That day came today. At 4 AM, the triple-alarm warning sounded. Firefighters sat up in their bunks, waiting. Was this the one? Then it came: that sweet melody over the intercom. “This is the one, ladies and gentlemen. Everybody to their stations! Suit up! We’re going to the Pine and Oak Reserves!”

Says one firefighter, “I’ve prayed really hard this entire week for a fire of this calamity. I think this is proof that it’s not what you pray for that matters; God just likes persistence.”

Says another, “Can’t … breathe …”

Upon being asked, local citizens generally ignored the issue and whined about their lost homes.